• msariellesmith

Shame, guilt … LET IT ALL GO.

Updated: May 31, 2019

Every-so-often you get a session that inspires you. I just recently had a session with an utterly lovely man in his late 20s. The reason why I mention his age is that I think I need to be reminded sometimes that struggling with expressing or being comfortable your own kinks and curiosities isn’t purely a feature of past older generation. It seems to me sometimes that because, as a society, we are much more open about gender fluidity, sexuality …, in general it seems that such things are rarer. Of course, in moments when I think that I am being naively optimistic. There are unfortunately many many places and groups even in the so called “west” that aren’t enlightened and open about sexuality and erotica. I do also realise that I am quite lucky to have been part of a whole community and now am still very much in a bubble of people for whom both kinks and BDSM are just a basic part of life or at least who are fine with others for whom it is.

Society has a very hypocritical way of thinking about and criticising kink and BDSM. There are still soooo many stereotypes and taboos. Coming myself from a very Roman Catholic upbringing, it took me a long and difficult personal journey to free myself from guilt, self-judgement and simple lack of understanding of sexuality and eroticism. This can make it very difficult to allow yourself to explore various important interests. And yes. It is, not the one defining, but a crucial component of what makes you, you. Your personal sexuality and experience of eroticism reflects sometimes even subconsciously in many of your relationships. In also more subtle ways it influences your core of understanding yourself and how you experience daily needs and pleasures.

Everyone and I really do mean everyone, is somewhere on the “kink scale”. Just as there is a gradient of sexuality/gender (I am using the terms loosely here) called the Kinsey scale, also called the Heterosexual–Homosexual Rating Scale.

I mean what does kink actually really mean? Does being utterly and totally “vanilla”/traditional mean that we are only to have sex or be erotic as a means for procreation? Does what is considered “normal” or “natural” in sexuality or arousal, exist purely so that we can prolong the existence of our species? God I hope not. As humans, we are hopefully more evolved than pure biological animalistic need. Humans (and actually quite a lot of animal species) search for pleasure just for pleasure’s sake. Exploration with all the inexhaustible possibilities of eroticism and being OK with whatever form that takes, to me, is sign of evolution and progress, as well as a way expressing who you are.

As I mentioned, there is a very very fluid line between what constitutes “BDSM lifestyle” and what “vanilla” is. For me personally, kink is just another name for BDSM really. BDSM is catch phrase for a whole universe of possibilities that you can pick and choose from. Of course there are the “hardcore” 24/7 dominant/submissive relationships (which I find amazing even if it is not for me), but statistically, those really are quite rare. It takes A LOT of emotional and intellectual energy to sustain such a thing constantly. There are so many possibilities both in and outside “traditional” relationships for you to figure out what works for you. For eg. I have quite a “vanilla” amazing partner. He is completely aware of what I do and is happy for me to do it. We have set up boundaries and certain things we do, that we review from time to time to make sure both of us are feeling listened to, comfortable and loved.

For the complete newbies and even the experienced kink enthusiasts, I highly recommend reading the Ethical Slut and Urban Tantra. They are two very different books, but a very good start or refresher on some of the sexy sensual hotness that you can get up to. After reading them, if you do find that there are things that you would like to try or learn, then I’m always here ;).

I wish that we as a society were taught not only the biological elements of sexual education (sadly, if even that in some places). I wish we had instruction and were given tools on the more elusive things, for example: how to flirt, how to even figure out what you personally like, how to experiment with your partner/s to figure out how to please them, and especially what boundaries and consent mean … I think it would make such a difference to so many people’s lives. So many psychological and emotional problems would be eased or maybe even lifted. So much more pleasure can be had. Le sigh.

For now though, we Mistresses are here, to show you in our own magnificent way and from the dominant woman’s point of view, what pleasures there are to be had.


Ms. A.

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